Season 1, Episode 1: I Thought All of Us Were Burgeons

Facts of Life fans unfamiliar with the first season (which doesn't include Nancy McKeon as Jo, but does include a whole host of thin-lipped late 70s babes with super lustrous Breck shampoo hair) are going to be real baffled by the theme song, which has slightly different lyrics from the Jo seasons and includes Charlotte Rae (Mrs. Garrett) delightfully warbling through some real Me decade-style lyrics.

In this opening, we have our Queen, our Goddess, our Matronly Savior, Mrs. Garrett, a vision in turquoise polyester and sky-high hair sensibilities:

RIP

John Lawlor is here as the scholarly patriarch, really leaning into those tweedy mustard tones. Just a real jackass literally no one asked for:

This is Jenny O'Hara, not Peter Frampton, in a little afternoon pussy-bow magic:

Lisa Whelchel is just a fox in this disco Miss Piggy get-up:

Name one characteristic of the Nancy character. Go ahead. You can't:

If it weren't for the baseball cap, you couldn't tell the Tale of Twin Julies apart with their little upturned ski-slope noses, white-blonde hair, and skinny lips:

Yes, that's Molly Ringwald, Season One's baby butch, as "Molly":

SOMEBODY DO SOMETHING ABOUT MINDY COHEN'S HAIR PLEASE:

Is anyone cuter than Tootie? No one. Well, alright, Kim Fields, looking good:

The Facts of Life is a cross-over from Diff'rent Strokes, don't forget, so we have the gateway drugs of those cast members here:

The first line, iconically, is Mrs. Garrett saying, "Oh, girls!" in what appears to be the common room of the Eastland school where the students are getting ready for the Harvest Fair, which is such a draw that the Drummond family/Diff'rent Strokes cast had to make a special trip just to see it, in addition to asking Mrs. Garrett to come back to NYC.




I don't know what a Harvest Fair entails, but it has something to do with catching or having pigs, as seen when Julie Anne Haddock as Cindy arrives. Willis makes a joke about Cindy not looking like a girl. Gender stuff! No one comes to Cindy's aid. I guess this is what happens when you tuck your hair under a baseball cap in 1979. 

Arnold's afraid of the girls at Eastland, who apparently get real handsy with him. It's clearly terrifying to him, but no one does a damn thing to stop it. What kind of a school is this? Cindy doesn't like kissing though. She likes sports! Wow! She's a total second-rate proto-Jo! We find out that Mr. Drummond's been wearing Arnold's underpants. Good for him!

Cindy wants to practice tug-of-war in preparation for the Harvest Fair, but Blair only cares about chasing that D at the dance. Cindy barely touches Blair's foot, causing Blair to insinuate that Cindy is a lesbian. So what? Big deal. The terminology used here is "strange" but it's clear what Blair is talking about. You're a real bitch, Blair. Cindy threatens to punch Blair. No one cares!

Mrs. Garrett is shining a gourd!

Here comes a real asshole, Mr. Bradley, the Headmaster of a school that only houses 9 girls, tops. This jabroni blows and Molly Ringworm has no time for his nonsense. Mr. Bradley calls Ms. Mahoney a prostitute. My dude is total dog buns. Mrs. Mahoney is 32 and in her prime, even though she's always in bed by 11:50. Natalie makes a virginity joke and it's pretty good. We learn that Mr. Bradley sucks at his job and used to work for the public school system. Gross!

Blair has been Harvest Queen for 2 years in a row and is definitely running again. Molly doesn't want anyone looking at her cleavage. Sue Ann, who looks just like Cindy but without a baseball cap, nominates Cindy. Cindy is not feeling it at all, but Mrs. Garrett is 100 percent pumped. Cindy doesn't have a dress, but apparently Natalie's punk-ass sister sent her a size zero dress that she's willing to lend out. Everyone feels sorry for Natalie, even though she's a Semitic Princess:

Cindy doesn't have a clue what to do at a dance, but Sue Ann is worldly af, and explains it all. Molly encourages misandry. Everyone promises to chip in to help Cindy, and she's super grateful. She thanks Sue Ann with a hug and an "I love you" and Blair's gotta go and be a real C about it:

Blair confronts her, and calls her strange again. Fuck off, Blair.

Ms. Maloney doesn't have a date for the dance and it's supposedly a big deal? IDK, fam, it's a work thing. Who cares? She calls Mr. Bradley the Attila the Hun of Eastland, but for all the wrong reasons.

Arnold has been dressed like a hick against his will and is in hiding from those aggressive 70s women:

He then jumps out of the window. No one cares.

Tootie and Not-Cindy deliver the news that Cindy has dropped out of the Harvest Queen race. Mrs. Garrett, armed with a chocolate cupcake, goes to comfort her and her baseball mitt. Cindy doesn't feel like a real girl, and doesn't even want to wear Natalie's Gunne Sax knock-off. For a moment, it seems like Cindy's about to come out of the closet, saying that Blair was right about her. Instead, we have a conversation about gender identity, gender presentation and puberty. It's not as terrible as it could be for a 1979 sitcom. Cindy takes down her hair and predictably becomes a real Aryan mega-babe. Yawn. She's Jo without the wit and charm.

Mr. Bradley, who apparently has no responsibilities as Headmaster as the Eastland School for Jordache Jeans, asks Blair if Cindy has dropped out of the race. He promises Mrs. Garrett that he'll talk to Cindy, but Mrs. Garrett has already taken care of business because she's a real professional who actually does her job.

Then there's a really uncomfortable scene where Mrs. Garrett accuses Blair of being a turbo-slut, using the phrase, "If you're advertising, you must be selling". It's really indicative of the sloppy, aimlessness of the first season, as Mrs. Garrett would never pull crap like this later on. Blair is adamant about her chastity, saying that her manner of dress doesn't reflect her true intentions with men. Mrs. Garrett uses this as an opportunity to talk about how you should never judge a book by its cover. Blair dresses trampy but isn't, Cindy looks like a boy but isn't. This is a mess. Jesus. Blair apologizes to Cindy and makes her promise to run for Harvest Queen.

Arnold finds a really cool woman at the dance who just feeds him pie the whole time. May we all be so lucky. Mrs. Garrett tells Mr. Drummond that she'll come back to NYC once they find a good replacement for her at Eastland.

Blair wins the Harvest Queen title, but Cindy gets the title of Corn Maiden, which sounds real metal.  Turns out, a Polish-American guy winked at Cindy at the dance, and this really pisses Blair off. Good.

Until next time, please remember that if you hear it from you brother, better clear it with your Mother.