Season 1, Episode 3: For a Dead Hamster, You Sure are a Snappy Dresser

Mr. Bradley, just a waste of space in covered in corduroy elbow patches, is ranting and raving about the hard work ahead this semester. He's not giving his speech in a classroom or in an office as he's in the common room of the Eastland School for Witchcraft and Professional Gambling because he's a total fucking creep with absolutely no concept of personal space. Mr. Bradley is limiting TV and phone time to get the girls academically focused. Ms. Mahoney, teased to perfection as per usual, is counting the days until her retirement. Too bad, girl, you are 32 and in your prime and are stuck with this guy forever, or at least until you mysteriously disappear from the show in a couple of episodes.

Upon the exit of the adults, Cindy immediately encourages the girls to practice witchcraft. Good for you, Cindy! Tootie hits the lights and Sue Ann and Blair get out the Ouija Board. Molly Ringworm wants to ask about their academic futures, but Blair is thirsty as always and asks the board about marriage.

The board says she'll get married at thirty and Natalie cracks that Blair won't even have her own teeth by then. Natalie, you are so shady. Do us all a favor and keep beating that bitch Blair down.

Molly Ringworm has more important things on her mind, like the spiritual well-being of her dead hamster. She asks for a sign and, because this is a sitcom, there's a knock on the door. Molly is ready to be finally reunited with the dearly deceased Harvey the Hamster:

But tragically it's this guy instead, who the studio audience and Sue Ellen go apeshit for. I had to look him up. It's Robert Alda, star of film and stage and also Alan Alda's dad!

He says he's looking for Mrs. Garrett and that he knows her intimately. She's not around, but the girls give him a seat. Don't they know anything about stranger danger? What kind of a school is Mr. Bradley running here? He introduces himself as Mr. Garrett, aka Mrs. Garrett's ex-husband. All the girls are kind of hitting on him, Blair especially, and Tootie decides to do a card trick for him. She's not so great at it, but Tootie is so damn cute she can do whatever she wants:

While Tootie's card maneuver is a flop, Mr. Garrett has an even better trick up his sleeve.

Mrs. Garrett arrives, begging the question of who the hell is watching these girls all day, and naturally she's shocked to see her greasy ex-husband just chilling with some underage girls. She calls him Robert, and immediately he lays the moves on her right in front of the girls:

The girls love it though, on account of how bored and messy they are. Edna should just kick him out at this point, but she lets him chase her all over the common room:

These old people are horrrrrnnnyyyy. After relocating to Edna's room, she assumes that Robert is here to ask for money to pay off a gambling debt like he usually does, but he insists that isn't the case. He says he's a changed man who's given up gambling and is now working at hotel in Atlantic City. He wants her back in his life and proposes to her in the most disrespectful way you could propose to a queen like Edna Garrett: No flowers, no ring, no romance, no nothing. Skip it. Robert wants her to remember the good times, like when they lived in their NYC apartment overlooking Central Park. Damn, how rich did this guy used to be? They reminisce about all the touristy shit they used to do and Edna gets all goosey-eyed. He offers to take her to the best restaurant in Peekskill at one in the afternoon and she's all about it because apparently being den mother to a bunch of minors isn't that big of a time commitment. 

We're back in the common room, where the girls are talking about how Mrs. Garrett has been gone for three hours. That is quite the lunch break, my friends. Her job is a total scam and we should all be so lucky to just ghost on our jobs for 3 hours. Con 'em, Edna. Take all their money. 

The girls start to wonder why Robert's back and what he could want from Mrs. Garrett. Nancy, apparently psychic and looking really dope in this fall-colors suspender tube-sock get-up, thinks Robert wants to marry Mrs. Garrett again:

Molly Ringworm aka Baby Butch Woke Bae thinks that marriage is a joke and that they should just live together:

Tootie thinks that's morally repugnant. Well, alright Kim Fields. The girls cycle through a bunch of what-if scenarios until Robert and Edna finally decide to roll back in, totally sauced. Edna cannot hold her liquor, folks. It's like 4 PM and your main girl is busted on too much champagne. At work. IN A SCHOOL:

Edna goes off to deliver some menus to Mr. Bradley, so naturally this is a totally appropriate occasion for Tootie to spend some time with a strange old drunk guy who teaches her how to play poker. Robert suggests playing for toothpicks or matchsticks, but Tootie is all about winning that cold hard cash. Make that money, Tootie.

Off in Mr. Bradley's office, he's concerned that the girls are withdrawing unusual amounts of money from their personal accounts. Both Natalie and Nancy have been by, and Mr. Bradley, an ingrown hair stuffed into a sports jacket, is becoming suspicious of all the financial activity:

Oh, look, they gave Cindy a couple of lines. Remember her? Me either.

Ms. Mahoney informs Mr. Bradley that Natalie's mom is furious that they're being overcharged for biology textbooks, which is impossible because Mr. Bradley admits the biology department is still using "last year's frog". This man has no commitment to STEM, STEAM, or women in science.

Once he learns that Molly Ringworm is about to head to a pawn shop to make some extra scratch, he commits himself to getting to the bottom of it. 

In the girls' room, it's total den of iniquity. A real underage gambling shitshow, overseen by Robert Garrett, just an old ass dude hanging out with a bunch of minors:

Meanwhile, in Mrs. Garrett's room, she's all atwitter about Robert's return. Sue Ellen and Blair ask a bit about their romantic history, and Mrs. Garrett shares that one day she came home to find that Robert had sold all of their stuff to pay off gambling debts. Cool! This guy's safe to be around a bunch of kids, right? Mrs. Garrett talks about being in love with a gambling addict: Someone she deeply cares for but also does not trust. Blair thinks Edna should dump him, but adorably lisp-y Sue Ellen thinks she should stick with him in the name of love. Sue Ellen compares marriage to a long bus ride, but Blair can't relate because she hates poors and doesn't understand public transportation.

Mr. Bradley confronts Mrs. Garrett about the girls' recent financial behaviors and says that it must be her fault. Edna says that he has no idea what he's talking about, and Mr. Bradley delivers his best, most on-brand line to date: "I don't have to know what I'm talking about. I'm management!" He and Ms. Mahoney go off to the girls' room, only to walk in on this totally normal scenario:

Ms. Mahoney and Mr. Bradley are totally repulsed by this old weirdo hanging out in the dormitory and ask him to leave, but isn't Tootie too cute? She's my favorite capitalist.

The girls, Robert, and Mr. Bradley try to spin poker playing as educational, but Ms. Mahoney basically threatens to have Mr. Bradley fired, making her the only sensible adult in this entire school.  Mr. Bradley caves to her threats, bans gambling, and takes all the girls' winnings to contribute to the scholarship fund. Honestly, the last thing a public school kid needs is a spot in this den of criminals where they don't even have a decent science lab. Tootie is pissed because she was making serious bank.

Mrs. Garrett finally joins the conversation, really late in the game. Upon finding Robert hanging out with the girls and teaching them how to gamble, she's infuriated, even though she's the one who let him into the school. Season One Mrs. Garrett is in way over her head. She refuses his marriage proposal and sends him packing. At least she got a free lunch out of it. Most of the girls are in favor of the marriage, but Molly Baby Butch Woke Bae reminds them that Mrs. Garrett doesn't need a man. Tootie lets it slip that Mr. Garrett is off to St. Louis, which is news to Edna. The girls exit, and Mrs. Garrett confronts Robert. Turns out, he hasn't given up gambling as St. Louis is the home of a giant professional poker game. Edna has no time for liars. She's already guardian to a host of teenage girls (when she's not out sucking face with Alan Alda's dad and knocking back champagne) and doesn't have time to babysit his punk ass. She sends him packing, but he says he'll be back. 

At least she has her girls.

The last line is, inexplicably, "Alright, girls. Shake your booty!"