Mrs. Garrett enters in the common room, only to find the girls very hard at work studying for their midterms. Look at Nancy, she's all legs. It's taken me several episodes to realize that she's kind of a babe.
It's here that we learn a little something about Sue Ellen: She's one of the smartest kids in school and people like Nancy really depend on her for academic support. We also find out that Nancy has a boyfriend. Characters like Nancy, Sue Ann, Cindy, and Molly Ringworm aren't really fleshed out at all (probably why they get scrapped by the second season), and all these discoveries about their personalities and characteristics really feel like a sloppy afterthought.
Edna's decked out in a sort of raver, Rastafarian jacket and she looks dope. She tells Blair and the recently arrived Mr. Bradley, an aging factory-reject Ken doll, that's she taking flying lessons so that she can overcome her fear of flying.
Ms. Mahoney, whose days on this show are numbered, brings Mr. Bradley his mail. He's received the girls' IQ tests from their old school and he's excited to discover that they have the highest scores in the state.
Edna thinks that IQ tests are unnecessary and overrated. Ms. Mahoney stresses that the scores are only a guideline and are harmless especially since the girls are never intended to see their scores.
Tootie rolls in and busts ass immediately:
Tootie states that one of the teachers needs a bathroom break. Ms. Mahoney can't help because all the slutty biology rabbits are pregnant. Mr. Bradley and Mrs. Garrett exit, leaving Tootie alone with the IQ scores that the idiot adults left out on the table like a bunch of chumps:
Tootie reads all the scores, and is shocked to find out that the people with the highest and lowest scores aren't who she thought they would be. Tootie is so messy. She's loving every minute of this.
Tootie rolls into the girls' bedroom, where everyone is studying. I just don't understand the uniform situation at this school. Half the girls are in that burgundy and blue polyester vest nightmare, and the rest are in teeny, tiny shorts. Tootie reveals that she knows who the smartest girl in the school is. Everyone thinks it's Sue Ann and they're in disbelief with Tootie announces that it's Nancy.
Molly Ringworm wants to know how Tootie knows this, so Tootie presents the IQ scores she's written down on a piece of paper and shows them to the girls, one by one.
Everyone is pretty pleased with their scores, especially Tootie and Natalie, who have the exact same IQ number. Natalie proclaims that they're "soul sisters" and it's extremely adorable. I love these two together and I demand more.
When it's Sue Ann's turn to find out her number, she's devastated, even though Molly Ringworm says that she knows a guy with an even lower score who's the best dog catcher in Paramus, New Jersey, which is pretty sick. Good for him!
Mrs. Garrett enters, seeking out Sue Ann for help with a flying test-related math problem. Sue Ann bursts into tears and storms out.
Edna knows something's wrong and questions Tootie. Tootie confesses, and they exit to go find Mr. Bradley.
In Mrs. Garrett's room, I at first thought that she was doing vocal warm-ups because she's making this high-pitched buzzing sound, but on second viewing I think maybe she's pretending to be an airplane, which is very normal and cool.
Sue Ann comes in and she's miserable.
Edna reminds her that a low IQ school doesn't take away from her past accomplishments. Sue Ann is acting her narrow butt off in this scene and I think I'm going to miss her next season.
Back in the girls' room, Nancy isn't doing much better than Sue Ann. Everyone, including the especially irritating Blair, is bugging her to help them study, but Nancy is struggling with her own work.
She just can't handle all the pressure and attention, and states that she wishes they could all go back to thinking that Sue Ann is the smartest. Blair is all up in Nancy's grill, so Nancy tells her to beat it. Is she gonna smack Blair with that book? I wish she would. Do it, Nancy! No judge would ever convict you.
Now we're in the common room, where Sue Ann is hoping Ms. Mahoney has posted the results of the exam. Immediately, she and Nancy are at each other's throats. They're each resenting each other for their news roles as class genius and underachiever:
Nancy is irritable and stressed and Sue Ann is super down on herself, and neither of them is enjoying even a moment in each other's shoes. It's great to see these two get to act and interact, as they've gotten so little screen time in comparison to characters like Blair and Tootie.
Speaking of Blair, she's an egomaniac and a real bitch and basically saunters on through just to check out her shiny and manageable hair.
Mrs. Garrett is off for her first solo flying appointment, but notices that Sue Ann and Nancy look miserable.
She assures them that they both probably did great on the test, but Ms. Mahoney, arriving to post the test scores, says otherwise.
Nancy clearly had a panic attack and choked up, and Sue Ann overthought every answer, causing them both to fail.
Mrs. Garrett promises the girls that there will be other tests that they'll do better on, but both Sue Ann and Nancy are in such a state that they both threaten to leave Eastland.
We finally get to see a classroom, where Tootie is being punished for showing everyone the IQ scores by being made to write "I Shall Not Be Nosey" 500 times. Of course, Tootie is no dummy and she's using ditto marks:
Sadly, Mr. Bradley catches her in the middle of this excellent scam and makes her stop and do it over. Mr. Bradley is living in 1979 while Tootie is living in 2079.
Mrs. Garrett arrives, along with Sue Ann and Nancy, trying to get Mr. Bradley to understand the devastating effect the IQ scores have had on their self worth.
Edna is really handing Mr. Bradley his ass in this scene: She blames him for fixating on useless IQ scores. Mr. Bradley doubles down though, insisting that IQ scores are indicators of intelligence and motivators for academic excellence. Mrs. Garrett is having none of his shit, and makes Ms. Mahoney give them an IQ test on the spot.
Ms. Mahoney can't wait to watch this jackhole fail, and she's got a test ready to go. Mr. Bradley says some really misogynist comments and he's super confident about trouncing Edna in the test. It's so apparent that this example of white male mediocrity should not have a school of girls in his care. Just look at this jerk:
Ms. Mahoney starts administering the test and, while Edna appears as cool as a coifed cucumber, Mr. Bradley starts to lose his shit.
He's getting questions wrong left and right and starts to look like a werewolf mid-transformation. He declares that IQ tests aren't really indicative of intelligence and, with pressure from Mrs. Garrett, agrees to let Sue Ann and Nancy retake the failed exam.
Mrs. Garrett realizes that she ought to shuffle off to her solo flying appointment. She's a bit nervous, but Sue Ann and Nancy reassure her. They all agree to be brave in the face of their fears, and it's actually very sweet.
Sue Ann promises to help Nancy study for the retaking of the exam, and everything is back to normal.
While the messages of previous episodes have been a little off, what with all the philandering parents, gambling ex-husbands and accusations of lesbianism/homophobia, there's a real evergreen message here about not letting labels dictate your self-worth. Mrs. Garrett really throws down for Sue Ann and Nancy, truly investing in their well-being. It's a glimpse of the stellar, more dependable Edna we'll see in later episodes.
While the credits roll, poor Tootie is still writing out her punishment, even though everything that's transpired is completely Mr. Bradley's fault. Justice for Tootie Ramsey. This is some bullshit.
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