Season 1, Episode 2: There's No Excuse for a Loose Mousse

We're only on the second episode, and they've already changed up and revamped the opening credits. The adults look the same, but we're seeing something a bit different with the kid actors.

We've got Blair and Brown Hair, proving that the uniform code at this school is all willy nilly. Clearly we're not all following the rules here, Nance:

They've smartly separated Sue Ann from Cindy in the intro, because who the hell can tell those two apart? Tootie, who is the cutest, is really just too much in this burgundy sailor to-do:

If you don't put Cindy in a baseball hat, how am I supposed to recognize her? I'm really feeling Molly Ringworm's dainty little bowties, but I just want someone to do right by Mindy Cohn's hair:

We open on Chez Garrett, an improved French cafe in the Eastland School for Wayward Breck Girls common room. The girls are getting the whole place gussied up in anticipation of a visit from their respective parents. Then Mrs. Garrett rolls in all Lady Marmalade:

Good for her. She looks great.

Molly is reading from some sort of body language interpretation book, proving that the Eastland School library is kind of a joke:

The font on this sucker is killer, though.

Mrs. Garrett starts crooning like Peekskill's answer to Marlene Dietrich. She's such a pro. 

Blair bops down the stairs, decked out in a velour sweatshirt and what maybe could pass for very large purple underpants, complete with a painting she hopes will impress her mother. She's got a big old fake flower in her hair, just like her mom always wears:

Apparently Blair's mom Monica is a artistic super-babe.

Ms. Mahoney arrives, handing out name badges. You gotta give it to whoever's giving her a permanent perm halo. My girl is lit up in every scene:

Mr. Bradley's here. Do you care? None of the girls can hide how much they hate him. He's just the worst:

Monica Warner, Blair's mom, shows up at the door and Mr. Bradley predictably acts like a total boob. Mrs. Warner, an Eastland alum, is way artsier than she is later portrayed, and has all the frosted hair, gold eyeshadow, and bare shoulders a 70s knock-out requires:

After Monica reveals that she's divorced and her rich ex lives in Pittsburgh somehow, Mrs. Garrett offers them Poppycock:

The girls trot on downstairs to lavish huge praise upon Blair's mom, calling her the most beautiful woman they've ever met. Everybody's got the hots for Monica, even Mr. Bradley wants to ask her out. My dude sucks at his job, straight up.

We're introduced to Mr. Branch, Nina's father. Who the fuck is Nina? Who's ever seen a Nina? Mr. Branch, who's here without his wife, looks like a slimeball car salesman, he's just all chin and turtleneck:

Turns out, Mr. Branch, aka Justin, knows Monica from back in the day and boy are they happy to see each other. Monica makes Blair kiss Justin, even though Blair just wants to shake his hand. Why? This is really gross. It's hard to tell which parent is the bigger creep here:

Blair goes off with her new designer dress, a gift from her mother, while Justin and Monica saunter off to be disgusting with each other. Ms. Mahoney sees the two of them kissing, but first assumes Justin is kissing his wife and not Blair's mom. Both Ms. Mahoney and Mrs. Garrett are aghast. The adults aren't the only ones who've caught those gropey Baby Boomers in the act: Natalie and Tootie saw them making out by the water fountain and immediately tell Sue Ann about it because they're messy bitches who live for drama. Natalie and Tootie reenact the make out session and they're so funny together, it's clear why they were two of the three who were kept on for Season 2, even though Natalie cracks herself up after every line like a regular old SNL-era Jimmy Fallon.

Off in Mrs. Garrett's room, she's showing Blair how to hem her fancy new dress. Blair is now having doubts about her mother, worrying that she comes on too strong to men. Mrs. Garrett tries to reassure her, but then Blair walks in on Justin making a romantic dinner reservation with her mother:

Blair is super freaked out, worrying that she'll turn out just like her mom. She gives away her new designer dress and starts giving herself Mindy Cohn hair and wiping off all her makeup:

Blair reveals that she's "lost three fathers" due to her mother's infidelity and she's terrified that her life will turn out just like her mom's. Mrs. Garrett is very worried for Blair. She goes to Mr. Bradley for help, but he warns her to mind her own business.

Blair confronts her mom, saying that she knows what Monica's up to with Justin. Monica insists that it's all innocent and that one day Blair's attractiveness will put her in the same predicaments as she gets older. Blair says that she's ashamed to have a mother like her and Monica hits her. What a psycho.

Nobody does a damn thing about it even though everyone is watching, and Blair runs out of the room.

Mrs. Garrett does go to comfort Blair, though, bringing along Molly Ringworm's body language book. Blair reiterates that she's concerned that her life will turn out just like her mother's: A string of failed marriages and a daughter who's ashamed of her. Mrs. Garrett talks about love and acceptance and wins the award for the least inept adult in Blair's life. Mrs. Garrett tells Blair that her beauty doesn't have to be a curse, and that she can be whatever kind of adult that she wants to be.

After Monica attempts some matronly domestic activities with Nancy and the other girls, she reunites with Blair. Blair comes to terms with the complexity of her love for her mother. The girls insist that Monica spend the night at Eastland and Mr. Bradley sexually harasses her just one more time. Somebody's gotta fire this jackhole.

Everybody sings in French.

Until next time, if you hear 'em from your brother, better clear 'em with your mother. Just to be safe.